Pretend You're Missing Me
by LinsteadTime
Summary: Post 4x23 AU Erin Lindsay left the Intelligence Unit, but stayed in Chicago. Its been six years ever since. A lot can happen in six years.(Mostly lindtead)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello. This is an AU idea I had. I wanted a fresh start on this account so this is the story I'm going to write in the future. Reviews are always appreciated. Thanks for reading!**

 **So this is Erin's POV but it can happen that you'll see Jays POV too sometimes. I'll let you know when that's the case though. I'm excited to write this story and hope you'll like it too!**

My eyes fly open and my heart immediately sinks into my stomach. It's been three years now. The bedside next to me is empty. He probably figured it was best if I'm on my own for a couple minutes after I wake up. I love that about him. He always knows exactly when I need my space. The scent of bacon sneaks into my nose as i sit up in bed. I check my phone to see if it's actually been another year, tears springing into my eyes as I look at the numbers on the screen.

 _December 16th, 2023._

I take a deep breath, forcing back the tears and get out of bed. He is already waiting for me, a perfectly decorated breakfast table in front of him.

"Good Morning babe." He says with a sad smile. He knows exactly what's going on inside of me today and I love him for that.

"Good Morning." I say softly with a smile. He makes it easier for me. He always has, ever since I met him. When I thought I was all alone in this world.

I sit down on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck as he puts his arms around my waist, kissing my forehead. And breathing immediately is easier for me. His brown eyes already ask the question without him saying the words.

"I'm okay, David." I sigh softly but he knows it's a lie.

"It's okay if you're not though. And it's also okay if you want to cry or scream or not go." He says with a concerned look.

I have to go. I owe him that.

"But I owe it to him. He was the first person to ever believe in me." My voice breaks and tears pool in my eyes once again. I take a steadying breath and continue "I appreciate your support but I haven't been there on any of the anniversaries so far. I'm gonna go get ready babe. I love you." He leans forward slightly pressing his lips on mine as I get off his lap.

"I love you too." He replies softly.

My phone rings as I walk into the bedroom to get dressed. I know it's a text from Kim without even looking at my phone. She tried and I'm thankful but I couldn't see them these past few years. I didn't want to and she accepted that. But it didn't stop her from asking me if I'd come every year.

 _'Hey hun, I know you're getting over this the way you need to but I hope you know that we're here. Always. Think about it. I bet Hank would love to see all of us together today. Love you.'_

I smile at her message. We grew apart over the years but she was still my best friend, she always will be. I put my phone to the side and start to get ready for the 3rd anniversary of the day that Hank Voight died and I officially lost the last person that was family to me.

* * *

"Are you okay?" He asks once again for what feels like the 5th time since we got into the car. I have been watching out of the window for the entire drive so far, so i turn to him. I know that he's scared. I've had a hard time the past two years, especially on the anniversary date. He's been so sweet and loving and supportive, I owe it to him to try and be better.

"I'm fine, honey. Yes this day is always hard, and it probably always will be, but it's easier when you're here. Thank you." I put my hand over his right hand that's resting on my thigh. He grabs mine and kisses it gently tickling me with his beard. I take another deep breath. We're almost there.

...

"We're here, Erin." He says quietly, still holding my hand in his. He's the only support system I have left ever since Hank died. I mean, it's not like people didn't offer their support. But in this moment he was all that i needed.

 _"Erin! Wait!" Kim screamed after me as I run out of the hospital waiting area. A shocked Will Halstead looking at me._

 _"Yes Will! I just destroyed the fucking vending machine! You can stop staring now!" He puts his hands up in defence, not saying a word as I pass him storming out of the hospital. The hospital that I watched my whole family die in._

 _"Erin! Would you please stop! You can't deal with this grief alone! If you're not talking to me then at least talk to Jay!" She cries from behind me. I immediately stop and turn to face her._

 _"What in the world makes you think that out of all people I'd talk to Jay about this?!" I spit out._

 _Her face turns red and she knows she's crossed a line. "I just figured since you two always had a special bond." I pull my eyebrows up, I can't believe she just said that, knowing that the only person that has been there for me since I left IU was my boyfriend, David._

 _"I'd rather talk about it with my BOYFRIEND but thanks for your concern Kim." I turn around to leave and just hear a shaky "I'm sorry, Er" from her. I know she means well, but right now I just need to get out of here._

"You can do this. Do you want me to come with you?" David offers but I just shake my head.

"It's fine. I think I have to do this by myself. But thank you." I say leaning in to kiss him before I get out of the car.

After taking a few minutes to collect myself, I make my way over to Hank's grave. I can already see the unit from further away. _Breathe Erin, you can do this._ Suddenly a loud voice from behind me pulls me out of my thoughts, "Hey! I'm sorry I'm late hales, traffic was cra-" he immediately stops as I turn to face him. Shock written all over his face. "Erin?"

We just look, more like stare, at each other for a few moments. It felt like hours. His eyes still green and beautiful but without the sparkle they used to have. He looks a little older or maybe just tired. But still as handsome as he always looked. His hair is a little wet because of the snow and his little curls, that he hates so much, are coming through.

"Hi Jay." Is all I can get out. That seems to snap him back to reality as he starts blinking fast.

He slightly shakes his head "woah, wrong partner." he says laughing uncomfortably as I look down to the ground. I force a smile and look back up at him.

"I guess so." I say softly and give him another little smile. He doesn't say more. Just looks at me the way he always looked at me and I know that, after these few moments of eye contact, he already knows what's going on inside of me. And once again on this day I feel the tears shooting into my eyes, ready to betray me.

I feel so vulnerable when he looks at me like that; it's like he has access to all my thoughts, even though I don't want him to. Unable to take his gaze any longer, I blink away the tears and break the silence.

"I think we should-"

"Yeah." He interrupts as I nod into the unit's direction, who are probably just waiting for the two of us. We awkwardly make our way over to them, gaining surprised looks and confused faces. Although I figure the surprised looks are meant for me and the fact that I actually showed up. And me walking over to everyone with Jay next to me definitely caused some confused faces.

* * *

I'm the last one to arrive at Molly's and once again I gain surprised looks. Ruzek suggested we have a drink when we left the cemetery and I said I would join them. But they probably didn't expect me to actually come. I haven't been here for years but it still looks exactly the same, except for Herrmann's hair which is now completely grey. It feels like it was just yesterday when we all used to hang out here after work. Well I guess they all still do, just without me. I haven't been here in years.

Hermann looks at me like he just saw a ghost, mouth hanging open. I wave at him with an inaudible "hey". I haven't really talked to anyone in the team yet. We all greeted each other at the cemetery but that was it, really. I sit down next to Kim and mumble a quick "hey guys" and they do the same, trying to make not as awkward as it probably should be. And to my relief, picked up where they just stopped their conversations before I got there.

* * *

I'd now made it through 2 rounds of drinks, everyone talking and sharing memories. It was either about something funny that happened with Hank in the past or about their personal lives. Sometimes I could only listen because it happened when I wasn't there anymore. But I was fine with it. The only thing they asked me about was my job, not my personal life. They probably knew this wasn't a good day for those questions and I was glad about it. Especially since it felt like my body was on fire every time his eyes flickered over to me from across the table. So I tried to speak as little as possible, but his gaze still found me even when I wasn't talking.

"So, Lindsay! Are you happy with your job?" Ruzek suddenly ripped me out of my thoughts.

I jump as I hear my name dragging my eyes away from Jay's. I cough to give myself some time to think about my answer.

"Yes! Absolutely. I mean, you all know that I loved being a cop. But this? Being in the shelter; giving women and children a safe place, safety, security and hope? This is what I was meant to do all my life." I smile, and it's probably the first genuine smile today. From the corner of my eye I can see him smile too. And I know that he genuinely means it.

"That's amazing Erin, I'm happy for you." I hear Kim's soft voice say next to me while she gently puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks Kim." I say honestly and turn to look at her. After this point the awkwardness was mostly gone and we just had fun and celebrated the life of Hank Voight. Alvin was the first one to leave, saying he had to get his daughter Michelle to the airport early in the morning. Kevin followed not long after because he wanted to enjoy the rest of the night with his girlfriend. Kim left about an hour after, she was too tired to try to keep up with Adam.

"Alright, please make sure that he gets a taxi when he leaves okay?" She said in her concerned motherly voice. "And if he starts to talk about me and our kids...record everything he says! Thanks!" She laughs and gets on her way to get home to their twins.

At this point there are only Hayley, Jay and a really drunk Ruzek and I left at our table.

I figure I should get on my way too, since David texted me if I was alright half an hour ago. I get my phone out to ask him if he could pick me up.

' _Hey babe, I know it's late but would you mind picking me up?'_

It only takes about 20 seconds until he replies.

 _'Of course my love. I miss you like crazy. I'm on my way'_

 _'Thank you, I miss you too.'_

I don't notice the bright smile on my face until I look up at Jay who's staring at me. A sleeping Ruzek next to him and no sign of Hayley. My smile drops and I look at him confused.

"Where's Hayley?" I ask obviously surprised.

"She had to take a phone call. Her dad and her are pretty close so whenever something happens or he needs help with something he calls her." He says dryly and I can tell that something is wrong with him.

My phone vibrates again and I look down.

' _I love you.'_

I smile again. And look up when I hear Jay coughing. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not but he certainly has my attention now.

"Sorry." He says with a simple smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He's pissed off, I can tell, so I just smile back.

He nods in the direction of my hand which is still holding my phone. Eyebrows raised.

"Impressive ring." He says and my heart sinks into my stomach as I look down at the beautiful diamond engagement ring sitting snugly on my left hand.

 **That was chapter 1! Hope you liked it! If you did leave me a review and let me know please :) I honestly appreciate those. If something is confusing please let me know too so I can clear things up for you. I get that it might be confusing at first but I'll fill everything that happened out in the first few chapters, promise! ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Trying to upload as often as I can. As always reviews are appreciated :) thank you for reading! This is primarily a flashback chapter. Hope you like it!**

"Impressive ring." He says and my heart sinks into my stomach as I look down at the beautiful diamond engagement ring sitting snugly on my left hand.

I stare at my hand not knowing what to say. After a few moments I look up at him again. He knows it's not just a ring and I wish he could've found out differently. But I finally get why he seems so off.

"Uhm...yeah, thanks." I say awkwardly, almost inaudible.

"You don't seem like the type to get married." He says sarcastically with a little forced smile and it hits me just like he wanted it too.

 _6 years earlier:_

 _"Don't look back." He says sadly hugging me goodbye. At least that's what he thinks. But I can't do it. He wants me to go but I also know he doesn't. Hank is the only family I have left and to throw that away for my ungrateful mother doesn't make sense to me. I'm making my way out of the district, knowing that I will never be a cop again. The thought alone breaking my heart, it's the only thing I've ever been good at. But I wouldn't have had that life if I wasn't for him and I gave it up for him in a heartbeat. He's lost enough people. I owe it to him, but he doesn't need to know this yet because I know exactly that he'd make me go. Always wanting what's best for me. But now it's my turn to look out for him._

 _I walk through the city without a destination. I love it here even when I'm freezing my ass off most of the time. Plus I'd rather walk through the streets of Chicago in the freezing cold than go back to my apartment. I hate being there lately. Every single thing in there either reminds me of Jay or Nadia._

 _I end up on the bridge next to the river just watching the city. It's calming. I always went here when something made it hard for me to breathe and it always feels like this is the only place where I can let that something go. Even when it's just for a few minutes._

 _I realize that today was the first time that i let my mom deal with her problems on her own, and I feel like shit about it, because she is still my mother. But putting Hank first this time was the right thing to do. Bunny didn't deserve another chance, the millionth chance that she'd fuck up anyways. I'd like to believe that I hate her sometimes but I know, and she knows, that's not the case. Even after everything this woman has put me through, she was still my mom and even though I love her as much as I hate her, I have to choose someone else over her for once. Someone who always wanted what's best for me._

 _I jump when my phone suddenly starts ringing. Immediately feeling sick when I see Jay's name light up on the screen. I can't, and won't, talk to him right now. I don't want him to come back to me just because he thinks he has to save me. I don't need that and I don't want it. It was my choice to go after that guy with a burning hope that this little boy might make it out alive. It would've been worth it to lose my job for that. Still is, it's what he deserved and I wouldn't have done it differently. But now I have to deal with the consequences, alone. I know he probably feels bad, he thinks it wouldn't have happened if he still would've been my partner. Jay always held me back in situations like that._

 _Not able to even move my fingers anymore without them hurting like hell I decide to finally go home. Well, if you can even call it that anymore, because I've never felt this lost in an empty apartment._

 _ **LINEBREAK**_

 _I put my car in park and get out of the car, making my way up to my apartment. The immediate warmth of my building makes me feel better and I can finally take off my beanie without the fear of losing my ears a minute later. And of course I can't find my keys in this huge bag, filled with everything I had left in my locker at the 21st._

 _"Fuck this!" I scream out, throwing the bag filled with 4 years of memories as a detective to the ground. Including the selfie that jay and I took when we were secretly dating back then. It probably was the reason I threw the bag on the floor in the first place._

 _"Woah! Language Lindsay." I hear him chuckle and look up to see Jay standing in front of our apartment, my apartment now, waiting for me._

 _I look at him confused. I didn't expect to see him tonight._

 _"Sorry" is all I say. It came out without any emotion. I'm really not in the mood for his jokes right now._

 _He pulls his eyebrows together, I know he doesn't like being the one leading the conversation._

 _"Wow, hey grumpy that was a joke." He chuckles but immediately stops when he realises that I'm not laughing with him._

 _I let out a loud sigh scratching my forehead. "You know what Jay? I just lost my job, which was basically the only good thing I had left, so excuse me if I'm not in the mood for your jokes."_

 _"What?!" He looks at me in shock as I bent down to actually look for my keys in this huge ass bag. "I'm out. They said either I lose my job or the whole unit is getting shut down." I look up at him as he's processing what I'm telling him. I notice his eyes flicker to the picture in the bag and back to me but he still has no words._

 _"I'm out." I repeat, finally getting up after finding my keys. I pass him to unlock the door and get inside._

 _I turn to face him again, ready to shut the door._

 _"Like I said I'm not in the mood for jokes and I would like to process the fact that I officially lost the last thing I care about." I say dryly._

 _"But you didn't." He suddenly says taking a step forward to open the door a little wider. I look at him in confusion so he continues._

 _"Marry me." He blurts out and my whole body suddenly feels like it's on fire. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a box and I immediately take a step backwards. What the hell is he doing?!_

 _"I know these past months were rough and that a lot happened but I still feel the same way about you and you've always been there for me so I figured-"_

 _"Stop!" I interrupt his nervous rambling. He immediately stops looking at me partly hopeful and partly shocked._

 _"What are you doing?" I ask him feeling anger rising inside of me._

 _"I..I just figured-"_

 _"Figured what?" I interrupt him again. "That you could just come here and ask me to marry you out of the blue? Jay we aren't even a couple. You can't do this to me after everything that's happened. I was ready to fight for you and for this relationship and you just left! You gave me up, gave us up! And now when you decide it's not the way you like it to be you come back and ambush me like this? Five minutes after I told you I just lost my job?!" I'm boiling and I can finally let everything that was going through my mind these past weeks out._

 _"You broke my heart that night, Jay. I was ready to accept your past and work through this with you and you dropped me just like that, the second it got complicated. And it hurt. Especially because it was you, the one person that I ever truly gave my heart to. The only person I expected to never leave me." I feel hot tears rolling down my face. And notice that there are tears pooling in his eyes too._

 _"Erin, I never wanted to hurt you. I thought leaving would be the best thing for you." He says with a shaking voice._

 _"Well, there you have it, look at my life turning to shit! I guess thing's really did work out best, hey Jay?" I say sarcastically throwing my hands up the air, the tears still burning in my eyes._

 _We're so far apart all of a sudden, I didn't even realize how many steps I took backwards while telling him all of this._

 _"I'm so sorry, Erin." He whispers, tears rolling down his face now, too._

 _"I know." I say, because I do believe him when he said he never had any intentions to hurt me. But he still did. He takes a couple steps backwards making his way out of our apartment._

 _"I'll leave you alone now, okay? I guess we both need to calm down a little bit." He says softly. I nod slowly wiping the tears from my face and he gives me a sad smile when looks into my eyes once again before closing the door behind him._

 _And the second the door closes, I sink down to the floor with a broken heart. I guess that's the new normal._

 **A/N: Hope you guys liked this chapter, please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, thanks for all your reviews! I love to hear that most of you like the story :) And to the person that was confused: Yes, in this story, hank died 3 years after Erin left intelligence.**

 _"You don't seem like the type to get married." He says sarcastically with a little forced smile and it hits me just like he wanted it too._

I stare at him not knowing what to reply. And guessing from his face he doesn't know what to say after that either. He takes a deep breath and speaks up.

"I'm sorry Erin, that was uncalled for." He says honestly. I feel the urge to run from the situation but I have to wait for David. And if I'm honest I don't want to run anymore.

"No I... I guess I deserved that one." I tell him with an awkward chuckle, not able to hold his gaze.

"No, Erin. You have the right to live your life however you want to. It's just weird for me that's all." He replies and takes the last gulp of his beer.

"Yeah, tell me about it." I breathe out and he looks at me confused so I continue. "I mean... it's different to be with all of you guys but actually not being a part of you. You've always been my partner and it's weird to imagine someone else having your back. That used to be me and now there is this deep life or death bond you have with another person." I tell him honestly and he smiles.

"Is Erin Lindsay jealous?" He teases and I roll my eyes.

"No" I pretend to be annoyed. "I'm just saying that she's pretty lucky to have such a caring person and amazing detective as her partner." I smile and it's for the first time in years that we are able to have a conversation like we used to. He smiles back at me holding my gaze and I notice the little sparkle in his eyes that I haven't seen in so long.

It takes a couple of moments to pass until I can get mine away from his consuming eyes and finish my beer too.

"Soo...detective" I say to move on with the conversation.

"Soo... former detective." He copies me with raised eyebrows.

"Ouch" I pout putting my hand dramatically on my chest and he chuckles.

"I'm sorry." He says with a little giggle and leans forward as he gets up from his chair and puts his hand on mine.

"I'm getting another round do you want another beer?" He asks me with the sweetest smile, his skin burning mine more and more with every second that passes. I'm unable to do anything except looking at him, mouth open trying to find words.

"Not necessary! I already took care of it!" My head spins to the side to see Hayley holding three beers in her hands. Smiling at us. Jay helps her put them on the table and sits back down. I take a much needed sip of my beer after this unexpected moment when Hayley speaks up again.

"Sorry I interrupted your cute moment." She continues and I immediately choke on my beer. She gains a playful 'bro what the fuck' look from Jay at her comment.

"I'm joking" she chuckles "I just think it's cool to see that famous Erin and Jay bond in person for once. We never got the chance to hang out together when you were still in intelligence so it's cool for me to see all of you reunited." She states and we all smile at the same time.

I have missed them. A lot actually, they've always been like a family to me. But everyone also knows that I tend to push the ones closest to me away at times. And I appreciate them not making a big deal about it and accepting the way I handle things sometimes. Just as much as I would always accept whatever they're doing with their lives.

"To family." I smile, raising my glass, and she nods bringing her beer to clink against mine "to family." she repeats.

The conversation continues but I get distracted by my phone's ringtone.

 _'Waiting outside. Take your time saying bye.'_

 _'OK, I'll be right there.'_

"Alright guys." I breathe out. "My ride is here and I think I'm kind of tipsy so wish me luck when the cold air outside hits me like a hammer in a minute." They both laugh and once again I see that sparkle in Jays eyes. I didn't even realize how much I actually missed it.

"You can do this!" I hear Hayley next to me being all motivational. I have to laugh because the second I get up, I know I'm fucked.

"We'll see about that." I giggle and look over at Jay again who is still smiling at me.

He gets up to hug me goodbye "I guess I'll see you around Lindsay." He smiles and it makes me want to cry because I can't stand the thought of not seeing all of them on Monday morning at 8am in the district like I always did. I know they'll be there, but I won't.

I reach up to hug him, his familiar smell hits me like a smack in the face. I haven't smelled his perfume in years. I forgot how good he smelled. It was always a mix of safety and comfort for me. He holds me tight for a few moments and I know that he needed this trip down memory lane just as much as I did. I move around the table to hug Hayley, passing Ruzek and patting his sleeping head gently.

"I missed you, friend" I chuckle, a little moan is the only response I get from him.

I smile and move on to Hayley. After we said our goodbyes and I paid the last round. I wave one last time and make my way out of Molly's. Giving Hermann a simple nod and he smiles at me in return. And just like I thought there's the cold wind waiting for me like a cement wall. I see David coming out of the car and running over to steady me.

"Woah, what the hell happened to my fiancé?" He laughs and I can't hold back my own.

"She's a little tipsy." I confess while trying to stand straight on the thin layer of ice covering the streets.

"Thank you for picking me up." I smile up at him.

David smiles back, kissing the top of my head "Anything for you."

* * *

 _(Jay's POV)_

"You know she's gone, right?" Hayley's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I quickly turn to her trying to pretend like I wasn't thinking about Erin from the moment she showed up at Hank's grave earlier today.

"What? Yeah, I know." I chuckle uncomfortably and look down at the table to see Erin's credit card. She forgot it. "Oh shit, she left her card." I get up and grab the card to run after her, but immediately feel Hayley grabbing my arm to stop me.

"No, stop, Are you crazy? This is perfect!" She says with an excited face, confusing me further.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Dude really? First of all, I saw the way you looked at her all night, alright? Second of all, what the hell was that lingering moment you two had before I interrupted? And the last point on my list ... she looked at you exactly the same way that you looked at her." I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach when I heard her say that. And I can feel a little smile creeping into my face. But I lose it as fast as it showed up.

"No, Hayley. Too much has happened. And I found out that she's engaged tonight so..." And the rage and pure jealousy I felt earlier is back again.

"Shit really!?" She blurts out. "Dammit, I figured that wasn't just a normal ring. But you miss her, don't you?" She asks softly and I nod my head.

"Every day." I admit and I actually hate that I can't lie to Hayley anymore after all these years. She knows me too well now.

"Wouldn't even a friendship be worth the fight then?" She smiles sadly and I just nod again.

"That's what I thought. So, be smart Halstead. You can't just run after her while her boyfriend is sitting in the car next to her. You need time to actually talk to her." She was right. I had to try and be friends with Erin because deep down I know I need her in my life. Hayley and I have another round and I think about heading home after. I need to win Erin Lindsay back, even if that means we're just friends.

For now.

 **Hey everyone, I wasn't 100% sure about where the ending, but I hope you like this chapter!**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey y'all! Thanks for all of your sweet reviews they are all truly appreciated and motivating :)**

 **Sorry it took me a while to update. Hope you like the chapter!**

It's been a week since Hank's death anniversary. Not much has changed. I've been talking to Kim more often but that's about it. And, even though I hate to admit it, I've been thinking about Jay a couple times. Yes he gave me a hard time in the beginning, although he had absolutely no right to do that, but we got along pretty well after. And I guess that's what I've been missing this past week.

Work has been ok. I mean I basically take care of children and women that are suffering so it's not necessarily uplifting most of the time. But just the hug I got from that little girl yesterday, for taking her and her mother in, for giving them food and a warm place to stay, that hug and her little smile after makes all the heartbreak I'm feeling day in and day out worth it. Just that little glint of hope in their eyes gets me out of bed in the morning.

My alarm rings the 3rd time. I really need to get my shit together in the mornings. My eyes flutter open and I turn off the alarm. When I pull back the blanket to get out of bed, there's suddenly a warm arm wrapped around my waist that pulls me back into bed.

"David!" I giggle as he pulls me on top of him "I have to get ready for work." I demonstrate slapping his naked chest playfully. I can't move away because he has his arms wrapped around me, resting on my back and holding me tight. He knows I usually can't resist him like that.

"5 more minutes babe." He whispers against my lips and kisses me.

I'm trying to pull away but he won't let me quiet yet, knowing that he'll have me convinced in the next 3 seconds anyways. His hands travel down my back and I'm about to lose every willpower I have left.

"I have to...I have work" I mumble against his lips and finally manage to peel myself off of him a few seconds after. I can finally sit up on top of him, both of us breathing heavily.

"Good one." I chuckle breathless, pointing my finger at him and he just smirks at me.

It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready and I can finally make my way to our front door. On my way I stop in the kitchen to say 'bye' to David. He's so lucky, he usually starts around 10am. Life must be so good like that. Although I don't really think working late is much fun either. At least I am home earlier with going in early. He never really knows how long he has to stay at work.

"Bye babe, see you later." I say in a hurry and lean down to peck his lips before running out of the door.

"I love you!" He yells after me and chuckles at me being late like every morning.

"I love you, too!" I shout over my shoulder as I run out of our apartment.

* * *

The day has been going slow. My morning was great of course. There's this little girl I'm taking to school every day. I always look forward to work because I start my day with her. She reminds me of myself in a way the only difference is that she was brave enough to leave her toxic parents. I admire this little girl. She's nine years old and turns away from this life. It breaks my heart that she has no one to rely on accept herself so I promised myself that I'd make sure that she has someone to rely on.

I'm finally on my way home when I remember that we need groceries. I stop at the store using my last bills to buy what we need. 'Dammit. You need to get a new bank card'. I lost my card sometime around last week and couldn't find it ever since.

When I get home I immediately start to prepare dinner. Or attempt preparing dinner. David usually cooks because I suck at it. Just like Jay used to. I can't help but think about him lately.

It takes me a while and 3 beers but I manage to get dinner ready by the time David gets home and it's the perfect surprise.

"Wow! Do I smell food? Did my fiancé, _the_ Erin Lindsay seriously cook for once?" He says when he makes his way into the kitchen and I can't help but laugh.

"Yes she did." I say and smile widely when he pulls me into a hug. He pulls back and kisses me gently, his hand resting on my cheek.

"I'm proud of you. There wasn't even a fire involved this time." He starts laughing but was cut off the second I slap his chest.

"Hey! That was one time okay!" I protest but can't help laughing too "Let's just eat ok? I made lasagna." He smirks because it's his favorite dish and we make our way over to the dinner table.

* * *

While having dinner we had time to catch up with how our days went. Although I notice that I'm getting tipsy after another glass of wine. And obviously David does, too.

"How are you drunk after one glass of wine?" He chuckles and I lift my finger to correct him.

"Okay first of all, I am tipsy not drunk. Second of all one glass of wine and three beers mister. I couldn't get through cooking dinner while being sober." I say and we both laugh at the fact that I hate cooking this much. All of the sudden David just stares at me intensely with a wide smile.

"I love you, you know that?"

"Of course," I smile back "and I hope you realize that I don't cook for everybody so you better know that there's love involved, too." Suddenly his smile disappears and it feels like my stomach drops right this second, wondering what's wrong.

"You've come so far, Er." He says softly and I flinch at him using the nickname that only one other man ever used for me. "I remember a time where you told me that love doesn't exist."

...

 _"Hey beautiful." I suddenly hear someone say next to me. I turn around to see a handsome man leaning over the bar. He is tall with brown hair and a beard and all I want to do is punch in his beautiful face._

 _"Excuse me?" I say with an annoyed voice. I don't really need another handsome man giving me compliments to try to get me into his bed._

 _"What do you mean? I just gave you a compliment." He looks at me confused. So I try to make it clear._

 _"Listen, I'm not looking for a hookup or something alright? I'm just having some drinks trying to process and get over some stuff. So I'm not interested." I give him a fake smile and turn my head away again._

 _"Wow...you're pretty judgmental. What makes you think I'm looking for a hookup and not for love? Or maybe even a friend?" He asks with raised eyebrows and I can't help but laugh sarcastically._

 _"Well let's see..." I start, narrowing my eyes at him. "First of all, you called me 'beautiful' so I doubt that you just want to be friends. And second of all, love doesn't exist which means if you're not looking for a friend you're looking for a hookup so...no, thank you."_

...

"You were so sad back then, look at you now." David pulls me back out of the memory. I smile at him.

"What can I say, I guess you made me believe in love again" I tell him and get up to make my way over to him and he gets up looking at me, eyes filled with pure love. I wrap my arms around and look up at him.

"You healed my heart." Is all I can whisper before he crashes his lips on mine in a slightly forceful but incredibly hot way.

"You can't believe how sexy it is when you talk like that." He mumbles against my lips and I can't help but giggle against his and pull away.

"Sexy?" I chuckle again with raised eyebrows.

"Oh yeah. So. Fucking. Sexy." His voice is filled with lust and he grabs me by my thighs and picks me up right there to place me on top of our dining table. He starts placing kisses all over my neck when I grab the rim of his shirt to pull it over his head.

David starts kissing me again while picking me up and carrying me in direction of our bedroom. We're halfway through the living room when the doorbell rings. He immediately stops and pulls away, still holding me, my heels digging into his lower back.

We're both breathing heavily, looking at our apartment door.

"Let's just ignore it." I whisper breathlessly and kiss him again. He continues walking when the knock on the door sounds again. He pulls away again, throwing his head back in annoyance. "Ugh. You go." He drops me. "I, uh ... I need a minute." He says and nods down.

I just laugh and make my way over to the door as the person knocks again.

"This better be important or..." I laugh while pulling the door open. It is when I see the familiar green eyes that I immediately lose the smile on my face.

"Or what?" Jay chuckles with a raised eyebrow, his voice as cocky as it's always been.

And suddenly I can't even form a sentence. I just stare at him, heat rising in my face. I awkwardly fix my shirt and cross my arms in front of my chest and finally think of a response.

"How do you know where I live?" I ask in confusion. My question must've caught him of guard because he suddenly starts to stutter.

"I, uh...I asked Kim actually." He says and smiles awkwardly. _'Why would he ask Kim for my address?'_

"Okay. Is everything alright?" I'm still confused.

"Yeah! Yes! I...I just found, well actually you forgot-"

"Hey babe!" He was cut off by David's approaching voice. "Who's at the-" he stops talking right next to me when he sees Jay. "Jay? Hey." He says just as confused as I did a couple of moments ago.

I immediately feel uncomfortable as Jay looks back and forth between David and I. My whole body feels like it is on fire and I pull on my cardigan to cover my bare shoulder. I guess that's when Jay finally realizes what he interrupted because David is still shirtless with messy hair.

He coughs and continues to talk, trying to avoid my eyes "I just...you forgot your card at Molly's the other day." He gives me the card but still avoids looking at me or David. "I'm sorry for interrupting whatever was going on...in there." He mumbles and turns around to leave.

I know this upsets him and I still care about him. Especially after the fun night out we had together. I can't let him leave like this so I run after him. I'm able to catch up with him when he reaches the stairs that lead down to the lobby.

"Jay! Wait!" I shout after him and he stops to turn around and face me.

 **Hey people! I'm so sorry that it took me so long to update. I've been busy during the holidays and had a hard time writing with the new PD being so different...it's kind of demotivating I think. But I'm determined to continue this story! It's what my soul needs since I don't actually have Linstead anymore lol. As always I would love to know your thoughts so please leave some reviews I truly appreciate them. I'll definitely try to update more often. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! Thanks for all of your lovely reviews! I appreciate them a lot! And it makes me happy how much you all enjoy this story. :) To the person that asked about how jay and David know each other. Jay saw David for the first time last chapter. But to how David knows who jay is and how much he knows you'll see throughout the story. There's more to be revealed lol. As always enjoy the new chapter and leave a review! Thanks you all :)**

 _"Jay! Wait!" I yell after him and he stops to turn around and face me._

I walk the last few steps until we're standing in front of each other. It feels like my heart is about to jump out of my chest and I'm having trouble breathing. He looks at me, a fire in his eyes that I haven't seen very often, waiting for me to say something.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were coming." Is all I can think off.

"Well, of course, how could you? You didn't even let me know you were still alive for the past few years!" He scoffs.

"Excuse me? since when do I owe you any updates on my life?" I ask him. I know that he's upset but he has no right to be mad about this whatsoever. He frowns, caught off guard by my question.

"Oh come on, Erin! I'm talking about the fact that we all saw each other last week and it's still like it never happened in the first place!" Jay screams out.

"Okay yeah, fuck me for living my life, right Jay!? And a phone works both ways you know!?" I spit out. I can't believe that he's putting all the blame for this on me! He was my _ex_ -boyfriend after all. He takes a deep breath and I'm preparing myself for a big fight.

"... You're right." He suddenly says calmly. All the rage that was evident on his face is suddenly gone. Or he's really good at hiding it.

"What?" I ask quietly, still trying to figure out what he's thinking; I used to be better at reading him.

"I said you're right." He repeats, still calm, as if the past 2 minutes never happened. "I...I was just angry and caught up in the moment. I know we both moved on but I never thought I'd see you with another guy. You know, doing ... what you were doing." He says and it feels weird that he seems ok with it all of the sudden. Once again I'm confused and at a loss for words tonight. I take a deep breathe to collect myself.

"I mean I'm not doing anything to hurt you, Jay. I didn't even know you were coming. You completely caught me off guard." I say honestly and he just nods in an understanding way.

"I know. I just found your card and figured it could be a chance to catch up, without alcohol or other people being involved, but I guess that was silly." He shakes his head and looks down as if the thought of the two of us having a normal conversation is impossible. "Especially considering how things ended and-"

He continues but I cut him off. "Jay." I take a step forward and take his hand in mine and he immediately looks me in the eyes. "It's okay, it happened years ago and there's no need to bring this up again. We should just try to move past this." I say softly trying to stop myself from crying. I was still hurt but I've moved on from that time and so should he.

"You're right." He whispers and clears his throat. "How about a milkshake and some fries after work tomorrow then?" He asks with a little smile. I can't help but smile back.

"Sounds perfect." I say softly and his smile grows wider.

"Alright 4pm I'll see you there." He let's go of my hand and starts walking over to the stairs again.

"But wait! Where though?" I ask him confused because he never mentioned where we'd meet.

"Really? If you don't know which spot I'm thinking of then you don't have to come at all Lindsay!" He shouts over his shoulder with a laugh.

I immediately smile. I know exactly what place he was talking about. There was this diner we used to go to back when we were still partners. It was our favorite spot because they had the best milkshakes in the city.

 _"You're really gross sometimes, you know that Erin?" He frowns at me, a disgusted look on his face as I dip some fries into my milkshake and smile at him._

 _"What? It's delicious! Just because your perfectly structured brain can't handle the thought of salty and sweet together doesn't mean it doesn't taste good." I stuff the fries into my mouth with a satisfied smile. And he keeps looking at me like I'm an alien._

 _"Look it just doesn't make sense. How can you mix chocolate with potatoes? There has to be something wrong. It's sweet and salty at the same time. It just doesn't fit." He says matter of factly. And takes another sip of his shake._

 _"Why? You don't seem to have a problem licking whipped cream off salty body parts." I tease with a raised eyebrow and he chokes on his milkshake, instantly blushing. I laugh at his reaction and put my hand on his. "I'm sorry, but you gave me the perfect opportunity." I say and we both start laughing._

 _"I guess I deserve that one for saying you're gross." He chuckles. But suddenly his face turns serious and I don't know what it's about._

 _"What's wrong?" I ask confused. He just looks at me intensely before speaking up again._

 _"Nothing. I just think we're going to have to stop at the store before we get home later. We're out of whipped cream." He smirks and I can't help but laugh when he lifts his hand signaling that he wants to pay the bill._

I smile at the memory and make my way back to my apartment.

"Are you okay?" David asks concerned when I enter our living room. I make my way over to him and hug him.

"Yeah. Actually, for the first time in years I think everything will be ok." I say with a breaking voice, overwhelmed by the feelings I'm feeling right now and by the fact that I just had a full on conversation/fight with the ex-love of my life and my fiancé asks me if I'm ok. I really don't deserve him. "I told him I'd meet him tomorrow. Are you okay with that?"

David looks at me like I'm crazy. "What kind of a question is that? It's your life babe." He says softly and kisses my cheek. "I trust you and want you to heal, whatever way you choose to do so, I'm by your side." He smiles and picks me up again, but not in a sexual way this time.

He carries me into our bedroom and gently puts me on the bed. I can't help but kiss him, he's so good to me. "Thank you, David." I just whisper as he lays down next to me and puts his arm around me, holding me close. He just smiles and kisses me again before we drift off to sleep because there are no more words needed.

 **LINEBREAK**

 _Jay's POV_

I make my way out of her apartment building with a smile on my face. I'll see her again tomorrow. We had a fight; I lost my temper after seeing her with her fiancé. And she was right. I can't blame her for moving on. In the end, it's my fault that she even had to move on in the first place.

David must know a lot about me if he immediately knows who I am. I wonder what she told him or how they even met. I guess I'll find all of that out tomorrow.

I make my way to my car and immediately call Hayley. I have to tell her. She's been pushing me ever since that night to finally give Erin her card back. I start the car and put her on speaker.

"This is Hayley." She says and I immediately smile.

"I did it." I tell her without even saying hello.

"You went to see her?!" She basically screams through the speaker. "How did it go? What happened?!"

"Well, I kind of got there when, you know, I think her and David ... you know, it just was really bad timing. So I left the second I realized what I interrupted." I grit my words out. The thought still bothers me, more than I thought it would.

"Ugh, I'm sorry Jay. But at least you tried." She says disappointed. I think sometimes there is no one that supports the thought of Erin and I more than Hayley. I smile and continue.

"But she ran after me." I say and my heart immediately beats faster.

"What!?"

"Yes, and I started yelling at her." I tell Hayley knowing that she'll kick my ass the second I arrive at the district tomorrow.

"What the fuck? Come on Halstead!?" She says annoyed.

"But I saved it!" I say immediately "I'm meeting her tomorrow. Just Erin and I. We'll hang out and catch up, maybe even try to be friends again." I smile proudly and I know that Hayley has the same smile on her lips right now.

"That's great! I'm proud of you Halstead, thanks for the update. I'll see you tomorrow, and you better give me some details then!" She chuckles and hangs up before I have the chance to say anything else.

I drive home after and try to prepare for tomorrow. I have to admit, I'm really nervous.

 **That's it for this chapter. I hope you liked it :) please let me know what you think and leave a review. Next chapter will be some more flashbacks and Erin and Jays milkshake hang out. Stay tuned. I'll try to upload as soon as possible :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! Thank you all so much for your reviews! They make me super happy :) to the person that asked if Erin is not really caring about jay anymore. She does but it's been 6 years and there is a lot that happened that we'll explore in future chapters. You all still don't know the whole story ;) thanks for reading! :)**

It's the third time my alarm rings. I sit up in my bed, feeling nervous already. I'll meet Jay today. Just him and me. I don't have the chance to run from him anymore and I honestly don't want to. I think after everything that has happened, we can finally try to be friends. We were really good friends before anything happened romantically and I hope we can go back to that.

I'm quietly getting out of bed, trying not to wake up David. I'm still surprised that he doesn't mind Jay and I meeting up today. But then again, he's never really been the jealous type. He knows I'm loyal and I know he is too. Although, I have to admit, I can be jealous sometimes. Especially with all the young, beautiful waitresses working at his restaurant that'll do just about anything for a raise.

Tiredly, I walk over into the kitchen to get the coffee machine started. I let the coffee machine do it's thing go back into the bedroom to get dressed. When I get to my closet and reach for a hanger it hits me again. 'I'm meeting jay today.'

 _"What about you?" I ask still laughing about the boys and their jokes. Jay sits in his chair leaned back as if he's not interested in the little fun the boys are having with me being back._

 _"I wasn't gonna say anything," He leans forward and I'm surprised at the fact that he's not using his chance to make fun of me. Is this because we're seeing each other now? The boys look at him confused too._

 _"...and then Lang called saying you left your pantsuit at the headquarters." He starts laughing with the boys. There it is. The familiar banter and I can't help but laugh too._

I look at the pantsuit I just got out of my closet 10 seconds ago. "Maybe not today." I whisper to myself with a smile and hang it back in my closet.

I'm looking for something different, something that's good enough for work, but seems relaxed enough to meet up with Jay. I'm choosing my black jeans and a white button-up top. Classic but not too much, almost a smart-casual look.

I don't even know why I care so much but I do. I need him to know that I'm not a wreck, that Hank's anniversary was, like it should be, just one bad day. That I'm fine even if I'm not all the time. That the last time we saw each other, before last week, isn't still giving me sleepless nights.

After getting dressed I get my coffee and say bye to David.

"You look beautiful today," He says and kisses my forehead. "Have a good day at work. Call me if you need me." I smile at that and kiss him on the cheek.

"Will do." I say softly and make my way out of our apartment.

 **LINEBREAK**

"I like your outfit, Erin. You look so pretty." She says with a bright smile on her face and I immediately have to smile back at her.

"Thank you, Millie." I say surprised because she never really talks about my appearance. Only once. The first day we met.

 _"Hey sweetie," I whisper. She's wet from the rain and looks like she hasn't slept in 2 days. "My name is Erin. You must be freezing. You don't have to say anything right now but maybe you should take a warm shower and put some dry clothes on?" I ask her with a sad smile. She just nods and I take her to the shelters bathroom with some dry clothes and fresh towels._

 _After her shower I brush her wet hair. "So, what is your same sweetheart?" I ask softly._

 _"M...Millie." She whispers, almost inaudible._

 _"That's a beautiful name," I smile. "How old are you, Millie? Six?"_

 _"Seven." She says nervously. She's so tiny and skinny I thought she was younger. But people also thought I was seven when I was actually ten. She's eyeing me for a couple seconds until her eyes meet mine again._

 _"You're pretty." She whispers and we both smile._

 _"Thank you. And you are beautiful."_

I look down at her as we're walking down the street to her school. "Why do you say that? Do I look different then I usually do?" I ask her.

" I don't know. Maybe? You always look pretty maybe just a little more today." She smiles up at me and I feel myself blushing at the fact that even a 7 year old notices that I put in extra effort today. I just smile at her again and we walk into the school building.

"Have fun in school, okay? Here is your lunch. Emily will pick you up today. I'll see you tomorrow morning hun." I tell her as I bend down so we're eye to eye. She just nods and pulls me into a hug. One of those hugs that make me feel like there's only good in the world for a few seconds. We smile at each other when she pulls back and starts running to class. She waves over her shoulder and yells "bye, Erin." I smile at that and get on my way back to the shelter.

 **LINEBREAK**

The rest of the day went by faster than I wanted it to. I hated every second that passed for bringing me closer to meeting Jay and maybe being confronted with old stuff that I was able to forget on most days. But then again I was also excited and nervous at the same time. It could be a good thing or it could be really bad for me.

Emily, my co-worker and actually a good friend by now, catches me when I'm on my way out of the shelter.

"Lookin' good miss Lindsay," she says with a cheeky smile. "Or should I say Mrs. Reed? Tell David I said hi." She smirks and I immediately have sweaty hands, she loves to make me uncomfortable. And my love life is the only leverage she has against me. I lift my finger to correct her.

"Future. And don't even start." I laugh and she winks at me. "Have a good afternoon and tell Millie I said hi." I say as I hug her goodbye.

"Alrighty, will do," she giggles "Wow you even got the perfume going on, girl. Someone's getting lucky tonight." She laughs and I just stare at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Em, just. Don't." I feel a smile creeping onto my face because I can't even be serious with her for once. She laughs again and this time I have to laugh too slightly pushing her to the side so I can finally get out of here."you're horrible, gosh," I giggle "see you tomorrow miss can't-keep-my-mouth-shut." I shout over my shoulder and make my way out of the shelter.

 **LINEBREAK**

It's 3:45pm. I'm sitting in my car, afraid to go inside. I only have fifteen minutes until I have to go inside because knowing Jay, he'll be there at exactly 4:00pm. I take a deep breath to calm myself down.

' _You can do this, Erin.'_ After ten minutes and deciding I'd just leave around five times over I finally decide to stay. I close my eyes and take one last deep breath before I go inside. I make my way over in a hurry because it is freezing outside.

When I get inside I'm surprised to see Jay already sitting in the very back of the diner. I look at my phone, it's 3:55pm. I didn't see him arrive so he must've been here before I did.

I walk over to him, a smile immediately grows on his face after he looks up at me.

"Hey." I say softly and smile at him, still shaking a little bit from the freezing cold. He chuckles when he notices that my clothing isn't warm enough for the Chicago winter, like always.

 _"Come on, don't be so stubborn just take my jacket, Erin." He pleads but I don't want to._

 _"No, I'm fine Jay." I say sternly and he throws his head back in annoyance._

 _"Erin, just let me look out for you for once. You're my girlfriend and I don't want you to get sick." He sighs and I turn to look at him. We're working a case and we're usually just 'partners' the second we enter the district. He caught me off guard with that because he's never called me his girlfriend before. I smile at him, he smirks at that because he knows he's got me convinced with that._

 _"Okay...thank you." I say softly and look up at while he helps me put on his jacket. I reach up to kiss him and the surprised look on his face tells me that I caught him off guard too because I'm usually the one who tries to be professional at work._

 _I suddendly jump when I hear a voice grumble in my ear. It's hank._

 _"Alright, love birds! I know I said your an undercover couple but lets keep our eyes on the perp alright?!" He instructs and I see how Jay immediately blushes. And I know he secretly hates me right now for doing this in front of our unit, which just makes me laugh._

 _"Just taking this UC job seriously Hank!" I chuckle in my mic and turn to keep an eye on our suspect._

"Hi, forget your nonexistent winter coat?" He asks with a raised eyebrow. I just laugh instead of saying anything in return; he made his point and I know he's right.

His comment was the perfect icebreaker and it's easy to have some small talk after. Of course he looks at we with disgust when I dip my fries in my shake like I always do. And I smile because I expected nothing less. It feels weird sometimes because I have to remind myself several times that I'm not in the past right now. Everytime I get lost in his eyes or almost reach over to hold his hand, I have to remind myself that I'm engaged and that a lot of things have happened ever since I left intelligence.

"...and so Ruzek ran this girl over we were hanging out with and got his arm broken. Two days before his twins were born. Kim was so pissed." He laughs, telling me about Kim's pregnancy and the things I missed. And I know the story is about Adam and Kim but I can't shake the burning desire to ask him about this 'girl'.

"That's hilarious! I hope the girl was ok though? Adam is heavy!" I laugh and notice Jay shifting awkwardly.

"Yeah, yeah she was fine." He says with a fake laugh that signals he doesn't really wants to talk about that girl, which can only mean one thing. All of the sudden I feel this burning jealousy inside of me. He had someone else over the years. At least one other person. But who am I to complain? I am the one with the fiancé after all.

There is an awkward silence after we stop laughing and his eyes tell me that he's thinking about what to say to me next. I'm still having the worst pictures in my head of Jay holding someone else the way he used to hold me. About him having secret little conversations with someone who isn't me. It makes me feel sick and for the first time I can imagine how he must feel, seeing me with David. Knowing that there's somebody else.

"So, how is work?" He suddendly asks with a smile trying to lighten the mood.

"Good. I mean technically they're all suffering there but it feels good to support them and see them smile every once in a while." I feel how my face brightens when I think about Millie. "There's a little girl I walk to school every morning. She really cracks me up." He smiles at that and I know he's also thinking about the conversation we once had at Molly's.

"And I have the sweetest co-worker, her name is Emily we've become pretty good friends over the years. She a little bit younger than I am. She's a sassy little princess but I love that about her." I tell him with a laugh.

"That sounds great!" He cheers. I shrug, nod and look down at the same time because even the thought of Em reminds me of _her._ "Or not?" Jay asks confused.

"It is. It's just...I never really told anyone because it's stupid but reminds me of Nadia in some ways. And I know it sounds horrible but sometimes I like to pretend that she is." I look up at him and feel tears pooling in my eyes. _Great._

He looks at me sadly his eyes going back and forth between my hand and my gaze. I see him slightly move his hand towards mine but he stops right in front of mine not giving me the satisfaction of his touch I need so much right now.

"It's not horrible, Erin." He reassures, trying to give me the comfort he won't give me physically with his words.

"You lost your best friend. There's nothing wrong with pretending that she's with you every day. It's your way to cope with it and that's ok. And definitely a better way than your...'sabbatical'." He tries to lighten the mood again and I smile.

"Yeah, I guess so." I say softly, immediately feeling a little bit better.

"Besides you finally found someone to keep this crazy little mind of yours sane, right?" He says with a genuine smile and I know he's happy for me, but his eyes tell me that it hurts him anyways. I don't know what to say, I didn't expect him to talk about David today.

"Jay," I sigh, "we don't have to talk about this today."

"No. It's fine Erin." He shrugs, "so how and when did you two meet anyways?" He asks casually. I know he tries to make conversation but I'm not sure if I can talk to him about this.

"Uhm...we met at a bar...shocker." I chuckle uncomfortably. "It was about 8 months after I left intelligence, maybe a little bit longer...I'm not sure." I smile and cautiously eye him while he does his counting. He takes a deep breath.

"Wow...moved on fast huh?" He almost whispers through gritted teeth. It feels like smack in the face.

"Excuse me?" I ask quietly.

"You know what I'm talking about Erin. How could yo-"

"Okay stop." I interrupt him. "We're not going to talk about this. I..." I take a steadying breath while he keeps looking at me intensely.

"David and I had been friends for years until anything happened there. You don't get to judge me here, Jay." I shake my head slightly and look down at my fries. Playing with them because it keeps me sane right now. "He's been there for me through a lot when nobody else was so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pretend like this was some slutty revenge rebound that turned into a relationship. He helped me through a lot." and my mind can't help but play back that terrible night...

 _"David?...David?!" I cry through the phone._

 _"Erin?! It's 3am. What is going on? Are you okay!?" He asks worried._

 _I'm sobbing through the phone "I didn't know who else to call. I need you. I can't move... It hurts too much! I...I need your help, please!"_


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey y'all! Thanks for your reviews I appreciate every single one :) this chapter is mainly a flashback chapter. I know there are a lot of flashbacks but it's been 6 years so there's a lot that happened. Let me know if you like the flashbacks or not. I actually enjoy writing them but if you don't like them I'll try to do less flashbacks. I want to hear you opinions :) enjoy!**

"He's been there for me through a lot when nobody else was so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't pretend like this was some slutty revenge rebound that turned into a relationship. He helped me through a lot." and my mind can't help but play back that terrible night...

 _"David?...David?!" I cry through the phone._

 _"Erin?! It's 3am. What is going on? Are you okay!?" He asks worried._

 _I'm sobbing through the phone "I didn't know who else to call. I need you. I can't move... It hurts too much! I...I need your help, please!"_

Jay's mouth opens and closes a couple times. Letting me know that he doesn't know what to say to me after completely misjudging the whole situation. And I know I have to get out of this situation right now or I will start to cry in front of him.

"I'm sorry. Excuse me for a second?" I ask while getting up. He just nods, still unable to find words. I make my way to the bathroom, fast but not too fast, trying to attract as little attention as possible. I can finally let out the loud sob I was holding after finally closing the restroom door behind me. ' _Deep breaths, you can't be gone for too long.'_

I splash some water onto my forehead to cool down, when suddenly my phone rings. It's Kim.

 _Hey friend. Sorry to bother you but I just thought about how great it was to hang out with you and the unit the other day. It really felt like old times and I was wondering if you'd be up for dinner this weekend? Maybe on Sunday? A family dinner kind of thing? David is invited too, of course. Just let me know, love you :)_

I smile down at my phone, surprised by Kim's ability to make me feel better without the intention to do so. Do I really want to do this? Hang out with the unit, Jay included, and David at the same time?

 _Sure thing! I miss my friend ;)_

I reply before I have the chance to think about it any longer. David deserves this; he deserves to meet the people I consider family even though I've been shutting them out for the past three years.

I've calmed down so I head back to our table. Jay immediately looks up when I sit down in front of him.

"I'm sorry Erin. I didn't know the whole story and I shouldn't have judged you. It's just-" he starts but once again I interrupt him, scared of where this conversation might go.

"It's fine, Ja-"

"No," to my surprise _he_ interrupts me now. "Let me finish, please. I know you hate conversations like that and I know that what I said hurt you but please hear me out when I'm trying to apologize, Erin." He says with a steady voice. I just look at him and swallow, me being the one at a loss for words this time. He sighs and continues.

"I know I don't know the whole story...and I guess that might be part of my problem. I may have lost you as my partner six years ago but I never imagined that it meant I'd lose you completely." He says with sad eyes, "but at least I now know the reason why you never called after that night. You already had feelings for him?"

...

 _(7 months after Erin left intelligence:)_

 _"Okay, thanks Hank. I don't know what I would do without you." I sigh through the phone. It's been three months since I started my job at the shelter and got my ass up after losing everything. It feels good to have a purpose again but I still struggle to ask for help._

 _"Of course kiddo. Just stop by with your files and we'll figure everything out." He says and hangs up._

 _I smile and put my phone into my pocket. I've been in the shelter the whole day and there is this woman that gives me a weird vibe. She seems familiar too, so I decided I'll stop at the district to go through some files with Hank. Normally I wouldn't really care but she has a 2-year-old son and children are always priority._

 _I get into my car and start the engine, preparing myself to go back there for the first time in over half a year. I'm a little bit scared but of course I didn't tell Hank that. I just hope Jay won't be there. We've had some phone calls and traded some texts since his proposal but that's it._

 _I have not seen him since the night I lost, or more quit, my job in intelligence and he proposed to me after._

 _..._

 _I arrived at the district about 10 minutes ago and here I am sitting in my car. Afraid to go inside. I'm not a person to really show her feelings in front of other so I take my time to cool down before I go inside. I get out of the car and make my way over to the stairs._

 _I look to left as I walk up the stairs and my heart aches when I see her name. Nadia Decotis. I haven't seen that wall in a while and after all this time I've been away, it hurts even more. Sometimes I wonder how I could manage to stay here for so long. My heart has been broken so many times in that building. But there are also amazing memories. It's bittersweet I guess._

 _I open the door and immediately see Trudy. Her gaze finds mine and I have to smile. She's been one of the few people that's always been by my side no matter what._

 _"Erin" She whispers like a mom that's seeing her child for the first time in years. She looks at me with tears in her eyes and I feel like I've just swallowed 5 grapes that are now stuck in my throat._

 _"Hi Trudy" my voice breaks at that. We smile at each other again as she makes her way around her desk to pull me into a hug._

 _After pulling back she looks at with sad eyes. The same eyes Hank is giving me everytime since I left this place. The eyes that say 'poor thing her life is over.' But it's kind of funny; I mean, yes the job meant everything to me, but I'm finally able to take care of others and myself in the meantime. As a cop, I never had that. You're putting your life on the line the second you put your badge on. You truly live for the job. I was spreading myself thin when I worked in IU, and it's been nice to take care of myself for once too._

 _"I'm ok Trudy." I smile and answer the question she wouldn't ask. She just smiles back at me in return._

 _"Ok, hun. I'll buzz you up." She says and rubs my arm as she nods over to the stairs that I used to climb up and down, day in and day out. I walk through the gate and pray to god that this won't get awkward._

 _To my surprise, I walk into an almost empty bullpen. My eye is immediately drawn to Antonio who's going through files and snaps his head into my direction when he hears my footsteps._

 _"No way!" He shouts with the biggest smile on his face which causes Hayley to look around the corner from inside of the break room._

 _"What's up Anto-" She starts but stops the minute she sees my face. "Erin." She smiles. And I smile back at her while Antonio is already out of his seat and on his way to pick me up and twirl me around like I'm a 3 year old._

 _"It's nice to see you too, Antonio." I chuckle when he puts me down. "Hi Hayley." I nod and smile and she does the same._

 _"You missed everyone. They went after a perp, like 20 mins ago." Hayley says clearly meaning Jay with 'everyone'._

 _"It's okay. I'm just here for work anyways. Need to talk to Hank." I give her a small smile and catch a little bit of disappointment in her eyes when I pass her to get to Hanks office. Did she think I'd be here for Jay? Why? We're not a couple and I left over half a year ago. I reach the office door and knock softly. Once. And he immediately knows it's me._

 _"Come in Erin!" He yells and I smile. He knows it's me when it's only one knock. I open the door and Hank is already on his feet to hug me. It's one of those 'I love you so much how could I survive all those days without seeing you' hugs that last for about a few minutes._

 _"It's good to see you, Hank." I pull back to smile at him._

 _"You too, kiddo. Let's get to work shall we?" He ask with a smile, knowing that's all I'm here for. We can talk about our personal lives another time. So we walk over to his desk and get to work._

* * *

 _After going through what feels like a million files we finally found the link. A guy that we arrested in 2014 but weren't able to charge for a robbery. She gave him an alibi back then so we didn't have a case. I guess she finally managed to leave him for the sake of her son. I'm on my way out of the back after thanking Hank for his help today. As I cross the street to my car I see the rest of the unit pulling up. My heart is instantly being faster when I see Jay getting out of the, of course, drivers seat. 'This life must be great for him.' Now walking faster to avoid talking to him I notice that he's looking at me from the corner of my eye. So I walk a bit faster "Erin!" I hear him call after me but I ignore it and get into my car. And of course it doesn't work. I keep trying with shaking hands until the passenger door opens and he sits next to me._

 _"What's wrong, Er?! What the hell was that?" he asks breathless._

 _"What? Nothing." I simply reply._

 _"So you're saying you didn't just run away from me like a 5 year old to avoid seeing me?" He says, apparently slightly amused about my behaviour._

 _"My car isn't working so, I guess I failed at it anyways." I tell him and we both let out a little chuckle. He looks at me understandingly and opens the door again._

 _"Come on, I'll drop you off." He offers with a smile. "It's dark and I'd hate to see you walk...I mean not that I think you can't defend yourself but without a gun we shouldn't put it to the test." He smirks at me and I can't help but scoff._

 _"Wow, ok Dad." I sigh and get out of the car._

 _The drive to my apartment was quiet and awkward. We haven't seen each other since his proposal and definitely didn't expect to see each other tonight. When he stops outside of my building I try to make it out as fast as I can saying thanks and goodbye as I get ready to open the door but he won't let me._

 _"I miss you." He says quietly and I immediately freeze. I feel the tears already getting ready to fall the second he says it. I attempt to blink them away and turn my head to face him._

 _"Please don't do this to me, Jay." I say softly, hoping that my voice won't betray me. He holds my gaze, of course._

 _"Why not?" He asks._

 _"Because," i sigh loudly, "because I can't handle it. I can't handle having these words going through my head for the next few months. Wondering why the man that I love says stuff like this to me when he left me because he can't trust me. Wondering what I did wrong this entire time. Wondering why I worked so hard on myself and my trust issues when the person I opened up to never felt safe enough to open up to me. Wondering why I wasn't enough for you." I say, surprised by myself at how my voice only cracked once or twice saying this._

 _"What?" Jay frowns. He suddenly leans forward cupping my cheek, his warm touch setting my whole body on fire and my eyes fall shut instantly. I'm unable to hold back the sobs any longer._

 _"Erin, look at me." He pleads softly, and I open my eyes to look at him, "you've never been not enough. Don't ever think that. Those are my issues and I didn't want to put that weight on your shoulders, when you already have to carry so much."_

 _"But I told you I could handle it." I tell him._

 _"You shouldn't have to though." He looks down sadly and now it's me cupping his face to make him look at me._

 _"But I can." I repeat sternly and his sad eyes find mine again. He looks tired, just as tired as I probably look. But it doesn't stop me from getting lost in his eyes. The way I always used to. And before realizing what he's doing I feel his lips on mine, his hands grabbing my face to pull me closer in a needing way. As if I'm the air he needs to breathe right now. His kisses are getting deeper and his hands are holding onto me for dear life. Just like mine are holding onto him._

 _He looks at me, shocked when I pull away. "Come on." I whisper trying to catch my breath. He just nods and follows me inside my apartment._

 _I close the door behind us and his lips immediately find mine again. "I missed you so much, Erin." He mumbles against my lips and pulls back to look at me. I want to say it back. I want to tell him that I couldn't sleep longer than 3 hours a day ever since he left me, but I can't. I can't be more vulnerable than I already am right now. I can't let him tear down that wall again. Not until I know he really means it._

 _"Kiss me." Is all I can manage to say, so he does it, leading me into my bedroom. We lose our clothes on the way. He lays me down on the bed and starts roaming my body with his hands and kisses, driving me crazy with his touch, and we lose ourselves in one another, satisfying the craving we've both clearly had for one another over the past 8 months._

 _..._

 _I woke slowly the next morning, the light of the sun warming my face and rousing me from sleep. I let out a grunt of annoyance and tried to bury my face under the covers, when I smelt it. Jay. That mixture of soap, aftershave and gunpowder. It was all over my bed._

 _The images of last night's events flashed back in my head. Our kiss in the car. Jay telling me he missed me. Falling into bed, making love for hours on end and falling asleep safe in his arms. I smiled as the memories warmed my body, reaching out to pull him back to me._

 _I finally open my eyes when I feel the cold sheets. I saw the mess of bedsheets under my hand, assuring me that Jay had been here. I wasn't imagining things. I sat up quickly, getting out of bed and wrapping the sheet around my body as I went in search of my old partner. But the further I walked into the apartment, the more evident it was becoming._

 _He had left._

 _Without a goodbye. He slipped out in the middle of the night, and now all I feel is completely and utterly used. I race back into the bedroom, already hitting the 1 on my speed dial, but I stop myself before I can ring his number._

 _He left. He didn't want to stay with me. He doesn't want me. He lied to me; I wasn't enough._

 _I throw my phone onto the bed and let the sheet fall to the floor, deciding to shower instead. I need to remove the memories of last night from my skin. I'm standing under the hot water for a few minutes when my vision begins to blur, and my throat becomes tight. The sobs rack my body and I fall to my knees, crying._

 _'Why wasn't I enough?'_

...

"I didn't want to hurt you." His voice is so soft, but it breaks me out of my thoughts "I was scared I was going to hurt you. My nightmares ... I couldn't trust myself."

I narrow my eyes at him "Well leaving me naked and alone in my bed hurt me anyways."

"I thought you would call. I wanted you to call, but you never did." He argues.

His statement confuses me even more "Why the fuck would I call? _You_ walked out, yet again Jay."

"That's not fair." His voice is pained, but I don't have it in me to feel sympathetic anymore "I was trying not to bury you in everything I was dealing with. You already had your own shit to deal with Erin, it wasn't fair to ask you to take on my crap too."

I scoff "You told me that same bullshit that night too. It doesn't change the story Jay. You could've woken me to tell me why you were leaving. You could've left a note. _Anything_ would've been better than just leaving me, alone and confused."

The tears are filling my eyes again, but I will them not to fall "I was so hurt that morning Jay. You kept telling me that I was enough for you, and then you did everything possible to make me feel like everything you ever told me was a lie."

"Erin ... I never meant to make you feel like that."

"Well you did. I didn't call because I had feelings for David. I never called because I still had feelings for _you,_ and when you left me there I thought you regretted that night. I thought you didn't want me."

Jay's hand reaches over to hold mine "I never regretted that night Erin, it was one of the best of my entire life. I was just scared, and I thought that maybe ... after everything that happened between us ... Maybe _you_ didn't want _me._ I know it sounds stupid, but I thought that you would call or something, and tell me you wanted to be with me again. And when you didn't, I just figured that was your way of saying we were done."

I squeeze his hand, my brain still trying to process this fucked up mess that we've made "I guess we both made some mistakes."

"Yeah, I guess we did." Jay says sadly "So what do we do? Where do we go from here?"

I shrug, unsure of what I want. Can I have Jay in my life? Does he even _want_ to be in it?

"I would like to be in your life, if you want." I sound nervous, and I wonder if he can tell.

Jay smiles "I'd like that too. I know you have David, but I've missed you these past years. I missed having my best friend; no one knows me quite like you do."

I can feel the blush rise up my cheeks at his comment, but I brush it off. Instead, I pull my hands away from his and place them in my lap "Okay then, friends?"

Jay nods in agreement "Friends."

 **A/N: Thank you all for your support, please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Long time no see! Sorry for taking this long with an update guys! I hope you can forgive me and like the next one!**

It's a little after 8pm when I arrive home. Jay and I are friends and I couldn't be happier about that. I really missed him. We've been friends before and we were good as friends, so I hope things can maybe go back to the way they were.

When I enter our apartment I immediately see David, on the couch, asleep. I have to smile; I know he has trouble falling asleep without me, without knowing that I'm home and safe. Which is kind of cute but also ridiculous, but then again I tend to forget that David does not know the detective _me._ He only knows me as the person that helps women and children in the shelter. And not as detective Erin Lindsay who beat up perps five times her size. There actually have been a few situations in the shelter too. Aggressive ex husbands, stalkers and other threats but I'd never tell him that. I don't want him to be worried everyday. I even broke my finger once because I was protecting a 19 year old girl from her much older,and abusive, boyfriend. I had no problem punching him in the face, he deserved it. The only thing I told David was that I fell and tried to catch myself with my hands.

David wakes up at the sound of my keys on the coffee table in front of him. He looks tiredly at me with a soft smile on his face.

"Hi babe. You look nice." he says, exhaustion laced in his voice.

"Thanks." I whisper and move to sit down next to him on the couch, kissing his cheek as I cuddle into his side.

"How did it go?" he asks curious, "are you guys cool or too many bad memories?"

I don't really know how to respond to that. It was ok and Jay and I are good with each other now but it was also emotionally really exhausting.

"It was ok," David frowns and I know he wants to hear more than _it was ok._ "I mean we're good and decided to be friends but it was draining, we talked about serious stuff I would've rather avoided.

He nods understandingly, " So you told him?" David figures.

"No. And I probably never will." I shrug and he shifts to face me.

"Erin, you have to," his tone is serious, "he deserves to-"

"Can we not talk about this right now?" I ask before he can finish. "I've had enough of fighting for one day, I'm tired of fighting." I say and look up at him, begging him with the look in my eyes to drop it. So he does.

He takes a deep breath and kisses my forehead and I feel better the second he does. We stay like that for a few moments until he moves to get up and offers his hand to me, offering me his help to get up. I accept his offer and get up too.

"You do know that you eventually have to right? You can't fix what's broken inside of you when you're still ignoring what happened, Erin."

I say nothing. I just follow him into our bedroom, cuddle into him and try to fall asleep, I can't wait for this day to be over.

* * *

The rest of the week actually went by pretty fast. Jay and I texted a couple of times and Friday night came closer and closer. I had asked him if he would be ok if I'd bring David. I know that we're friends now, but I figured it might be weird for him. But apparently he was fine with it, or at least he pretended to be when he told me I should bring David to dinner at the Ruzek's.

I tried my best to prepare David, told him what everyone is like and that he should not start any sort of drinking games with Adam. He laughed and asked why so I told him the about the time when Adam invented a game called 'Drink or Kink'. It basically meant a person either had to drink a shot or tell the group a freaky kink they have. Obviously everyone ended up shitfaced and Adam knew that would happen. We also ended up knowing more about Olinsky than any of us wanted to.

Wednesday and Thursday passed quickly. Long days of work to leave early on Friday. I told Kim I would get dessert and planned to get a little something for the Ruzek twins. They don't know me really well and I'm planning on changing that, so I need to break the ice somehow. I ended up with macaroons and cupcakes for desert. After that I stopped at Toys'R'us to get some play-dough and hot-wheels cars for the boys.

David texted me that he'd get out of work later than expected today, so I call Kim to let her know that we'll be a little late, she picks up immediately.

"Hey Erin what's up?" she asks breathless and a little stressed out.

"Hi Kim. I'm just calling to let you know that David gets out of work later than expected and that we-"

"Wait! Don't tell me you're not coming?!" she cuts me off. I have to laugh, knowing Kim she is probably driving herself insane because she wants everything to be perfect. I can hear the kids screaming in the background. "ADAM! Can you please stop this fight they're having?! I did not marry you to be a single mom, control your children!"

"Woah," I chuckle "ok so I just wanted to let you know that we'll be a little late. David should be on his way home soon and then we'll be on our way to you, alright? 20 mins late max."

"Ok Erin, I'll see you soon. Love you." she replies in a rush.

"Love you," I say before realizing that she already hung up, "...too."

* * *

Most of the unit has already arrived when David and I get there. We apologize to Kim for running late but her only problem is apparently that she can't find a vase for the flowers that David got for her.

"Hey! I know you're the new guy and all but that's no reason to make the rest of us look bad!" Antonio protests and tries to look as if he's serious. I punch his arm and he looks at me, unable to hide his laugh any longer.

"Dude! Shut up. How about you just try and learn how to be a gentlemen? Besides, those flowers are also from me. It's called being good guests for the woman that has been standing in the kitchen all day preparing the food that we're about to stuff our faces with." I have to chuckle when he gives me a look that tells me I am right.

Everyone is starting to spread throughout the whole house after, getting lost in conversations. Adam is having a funny conversation with Atwater, so they're kind of just doing what they always do. Antonio, Jay and Hayley are talking outside with their beers, Jay gets hot easily when he's had a couple of drinks. I'm happy to see David having conversations with the people I considered family. He's in the middle of a conversation with Olinsky when Kim sits down next to me.

"Wow! Ok so I have 10 minutes until I have to get the pasta off the stove and then I can finally serve you all." she breathes out and sinks further down on her chair. I smile at her; I feel sorry for being part of the reason why she's stressing herself this much.

"Kim, take a breath, we'll survive without the perfection." I chuckle and then laugh because she actually does take a deep breath as I had instructed.

"So now that I have you for myself for once. I think I never really asked you about how you and David met. Like how you actually became a thing." Kim looks at me curious, waiting for me to tell her everything she doesn't know. I look around to make sure nobody can overhear our conversation. Not everyone needs to hear every detail about David and I, especially not Jay.

"Well there's not that much I can tell you about how we met. It was pretty random actually. We met at a bar and he basically tried to hit on me, in a really respectful and nice way but I turned him down because I was still trying to get over Jay." I shrug.

"But, wait ... how? I mean, if you turned him down?" she asks confused and I have to chuckle.

"Well, like I said I was still trying to get over Jay that night and I kind of got sick and you know me and how stubborn I can be, of course I wanted to handle it by myself. But he was resistant and wouldn't leave my side until I got into my apartment safely. He didn't come inside being the great man he is but made sure I got home safe." I'm not longer able to hide my smile when I look over at him. "The next morning I found his phone number on my doorstep. We'd been friends for a while since then. He helped me get through a particularly difficult time, and without even noticing I fell in love with him. I know it sounds super cheesy and it's so not me but it just ... happened."

"That is so freaking adorable Erin." she says with heart-eyes and I know she means it. She is happy for David and I.

"MOM!" there's a loud scream and we're suddenly out of our bubble. Kim jumps at the sound of her son yelling at his brother trying to get her attention.

"Mom! Leo won't share the red play-dough with me!" Drew whines. When I look at Kim I can see how much this little argument overwhelms her after a long day of organizing everything and handling the kids at the same time.

"Hey!" I shout at both of them. Causing David and Olinsky to look at me too. "Your Mom is going to get dinner ready so if you have something to complain about then you're going to complain to me now, got it?" they look at me with big eyes and just nod. I wink at Kim and she just smiles with appreciation before heading back into the kitchen. "Now, if you can't share and play together with that play-dough I got for you, I might have to take it back home and keep it for myself." I simply shrug.

"No!" they say in unison and I'm having trouble hiding my smile.

"Alright. Let's play together then." I smile and notice David and Al rising from their chairs to join Adam and Kevin. When David passes by he stops next to me for a second. He leans down and whispers in my ear, "That was so fucking hot."  
He winks at me after that and follows Alvin over to the other side of the room. I smile to myself and continue playing with the kids.

* * *

The kids and I have been playing for the past 15 minutes. Kim shouted for all of us to come and sit down for dinner a couple of minutes ago. But her kids were in a heated discussion about who gets to marry me when they're older. It's actually kind of cute.

We are all finally sitting on the same table but the boys aren't done with their little discussion yet.

"Drew! I'm an hour older than you are! So I get to be the one marrying aunt Erin." Leo says matter-of-factly and we all have to laugh.

"Well you know what? You can't! Because aunt Erin is already getting married, right?" He turns to me expecting an answer. I suddenly feel the heat rise in my face and even though I'm just looking at Drew, I know that the whole room is staring at me, waiting for an answer. I clear my throat and try to sound as relaxed as possible.

"You're right. I'm sorry boys but I'm already getting married to David." I swallow hard, feeling Jay's piercing gaze on me from the side of the table.

I didn't plan this and I sure as hell didn't want this to happen in front of everyone, especially Jay. I look over to Leo who just frowns at me. He takes a breath to speak up again.

"But Mama said you were gonna marry uncle Jay one day!"

His statement knocks the wind out of me. I barely hear Jay's chair scraping across the floor as he races outside, Kim groaning and she looks over at her husband.

"Safe to say the perfect night I had planned is gone. This is _so_ not my day"


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey! Thank you for all of your lovely reviews! :) I appreciate every single one so please keep them coming. I'm trying to update more often so thank you for your patience y'all ;)**

 _"But Mama said you were gonna marry uncle Jay one day!"_

 _His statement knocks the wind out of me. I barely hear Jay's chair scraping across the floor as he races outside, Kim groaning and she looks over at her husband._

 _"Safe to say the perfect night I had planned is gone. This is so not my day"_

Everyone is speechless, trying to avoid looking at me. I feel their gazes though, checking for my reaction for a split second. I assume it's like a car crash, you just can't not look. I turn to David and see Hayley getting up from the corner of my eye.

"David, I'm ... I should ..." I stutter and he just nods.

"It's ok. Go." He says, reading my mind.

I get up and rush in the direction Hayley's headed and overhear Kim apologizing to David.

I'm able to catch up with Hayley before she reaches the front door.

"Hayley! Wait!" I yell after her and she stops, looking at me surprised. It seems like she didn't expect me to run after him. She just looks at me with empathy.

"Can I? Please." I ask and she nods, trying to comfort me with a soft touch on my shoulder. I appreciate it.

I silently open the door and take a deep breath. When I stick my head out I see Jay sitting on one of the chairs on the porch. He looks like he's zoned out, looking in the distance and holding his beer in one hand.

"Hey," I whisper and he starts blinking being pulled out of his thoughts by my words, "Mind if I join you?" I ask with a soft smile even though he's not looking at me.

"I'm good Erin, just needed some air that's all." He still doesn't look at me and I can't quite tell if he sounds sad or mad. He doesn't want pity so I play along.

"Oh, I know. I remember how you get hot easily after a couple of drinks. That's why I came out here. You shouldn't drink alone just because it's a workout for you." I shrug, eyebrows raised and a little smirk on my lips. He frowns and faces me, finally, and my smirk turns into a soft smile. I know that it worked when he suddenly lets out a little laugh.

"You still remember that?" He chuckles, scratching his stubble.

"You mean your constant whining when we were at Molly's? Or you opening the windows at night when we were having wine or beer? How I suffered thinking I'd freeze to death if I wouldn't have had a blanket? Yes. I remember that." I say and we both laugh. We are both quiet for a few moments after that. Jay is looking out into the dark again.

"I'm sorry about what happened in there." I say quietly, "I didn't expect that either." This time he doesn't look at me, just keeps staring into the distance. My heart is beating faster, I'm not good at conversations like this. I'm not able to tell what he's thinking; he's just staring, chewing on his bottom lip.

"You have nothing to apologize for Erin," I'm surprised by his sudden response. There is only a little light on the porch. I only now see all of his face when he turns to me again.

"So, can you please just ... stop apologizing for moving on?" It almost sounds like he's begging. "I can't stand the the thought of you feeling bad for being happy. Don't ever feel bad for being happy. That's all I want for you." Jays voice cracks a little and I know he's holding back tears. I don't have the strength to do the same. A tear rolling down my face, burning my cold skin while I look into his sad eyes.

"I walked out on you, on us, this is my consequence. And even if I have to watch you marry another man Er, at least I get to witness you finally experiencing the love and appreciation you deserve." He looks at me with a sad smile, tears pooling in his eyes and I feel this strong urge to comfort him, to take this painful look out of his eyes or it'll kill me right here and right now. I reach forward, cupping the side of his face before I can think about not doing it. His eyes are immediately shut at my touch.

"I need you to hear this now," I take deep breath, and a single tear falls from his closed eye and lands on the back of my hand, "there was not one moment in our relationship in which I didn't feel just as loved and appreciated as I do now. You gave me so much love and memories, Jay. And I know things weren't always great but you were one of the best things that ever happened to me. And there will never be a day where I won't love you just as much as I did back then. You have to believe that." He opens his eyes to look at me again. My hand is shaking, still on the side of his face.

He moves to get up and reaches his hand out. I let him help me and the second I'm on my feet again he pulls me into a hug. His big and strong arms, wrapped tightly around my shoulders. His head resting in the Crook of my neck, the two of us finding the familiar rhythm we've always had. I can feel his breath against my skin and I forgot how comforting our hugs always were.

"Thank you, Erin," him saying my name still turns my stomach, who knows if that's a good or a bad thing, "You have no idea how much this means to me." he mutters into my hair. I hear a small sniff after that.

We stand like that for a few more moments. Trying to escape from everything, trying to ignore everything that went wrong, wondering how we even got to this moment. Our breathing and heartbeat is in sync and I could fall asleep just standing here.

A loud scream, I'm pretty sure coming out of Drew's mouth, brings us back to reality and we both pull away. To my surprise, he reaches up and his thumb finds my cheek, gently wiping the last tears out of my face. And only when he takes his hand away and I exhale, I realize that I've been holding my breath. And it scares me. It scares me to know that he still has this affect on me.

"I uh ... I should probably go home." He suddenly speaks up and points to his car behind him.

"What? No you should come inside. If it's weird now, then I'll go. Those are _your_ co-workers in there, Jay" I tell him because I don't really want to go back inside myself. He knows that and giggles.

"You just want to avoid the attention and you know it." He smiles and I immediately do too.

"Oh and what exactly is it that you are doing?!"

"Avoiding attention, duh, besides they would all hate me if you leave. Thinking it's my fault. Sooo if you want to do me a favor, please go back inside, sit next to your man and enjoy the time with the unit. They miss you more than you think, Erin. Just as much as I have." He smirks. I haven't seen that smirk in a while. It's charming, cute and cocky at the same time. Dangerous almost.

"Ugh!" I throw my head back, slightly annoyed, "Alright! But promise me that you won't drive. Take an uber or walk but don't drive, please."

"As you wish, Miss Lindsay." He nods with a little smile. "Thank you. Don't hesitate calling me okay? Whenever you feel like it. I need to know what's going on in this little head of yours." he winks.

"As you wish, detective." I mock him and we both laugh. He leans over, his face coming closer and closer. His lips find my cheek and he gives me the softest kiss and I immediately feel myself blushing.

"What was that for?" I smile like a 4th grader and his smirk is back again.

"For running after me? For the things you said? For caring? For taking the fall for me in a few minutes? You pick." He winks again and slowly backs away. Put turns around again, "Oh and Erin? I love you too." His voice so soft that I almost didn't hear him.

* * *

On my way back inside I hear David's voice. He's talking to Kim. They seem to be alone doing the dishes.

"They both did questionable things I think." I hear Kim say. She is not wrong I guess but I will definitely listen and see what else she has to say.

"Yeah, I'm sure I don't know everything about the two of them but Erin was always honest to me when it comes to Jay. And I want her to deal with her past, even if it means that I have to stay in the back in some situations. I know she would do the same for me." I smile. He is right. "This is their story, it's not good for anybody if I get involved. Erin and I have our own story and that's important to me." I never knew that this is how he sees it but I truly appreciate his point of view.

"That is really impressive David," I hear Kim say, she sounds impressed too. "I don't know how I would handle this but definitely not as good as you do." She jokes and they both chuckle. "I mean it's been a really messy breakup but you probably know that. But there is a lot that Erin doesn't know. There are always two people that go through that pain. I mean I doubt that Jay knows a lot about what Erin went through but Erin also doesn't know what he had to deal with." I swallow hard. I never thought about that. There have been dark days, really dark, but who says that he hasn't been through shit too?

"Yeah..." David exhales, "I think a breakup, especially one like theirs, that it's always hard." I imagine him shrugging.

"Definitely. I'm glad you found each other, though. Erin seems really happy," I smile again, "And I'm sorry about my son earlier. I know it sounds weird but there actually was a time where I did tell them that story. You know, it took Jay a while to get back on his feet. And there are still days that are hard for him. And he had a little bit of a relapse when his brother got married last year. Because of their mothers ring and all of that stuff. There were some nights I had to take him home, put him on our couch and wait for him to sober up. Get him back on track. Obviously, these little boys had questions about that. So I told them a story, about uncle Jay who has bad dreams sometimes and needs us until he's not alone at home anymore, until auntie Erin comes back and they finally get married someday." My tears are falling listening to Kim's story, listening to how miserable Jay was and I had no idea.

"I'm sorry for the guy, I hope he'll find his way. But why are you telling me this Kim? I mean I'm not complaining, just wondering."

"I don't know to explain myself, I guess? And maybe because I can't tell Erin so you're as close as it gets?" I have to take a deep breath trying to pull myself together.

I try to walk in as casually as possible, as if I wasn't standing there listening to them for the past 10 minutes.

After they asked and made sure that I'm fine about 20 times we could finally go on with the dinner party. It was fun. We played games like charades and karaoke, obviously the girls team won both. Spice girls-wannabe will never not be a good karaoke song.

Adam made sure he apologized too saying that those are his kids after all "they say stupid things, it's in their blood." We laugh because he definitely isn't wrong with that statement.

But as fun as it was,I'm glad to be home after this long day. David and I had another glass of wine and are cuddled in on the couch. We're watching some stupid romantic comedy. He loves those but apparently not enough to stay awake. He fell asleep halfway through the movie so it's just me, the movie and phone at this point.

I'm just going through my instagram feed when I get a notification.

 _\- Kimberly Ruzek tagged you in a photo. -_

It's the picture we took after we all arrived, before that awkward moment happened.

We are standing together like a big happy family. Jay's arm is slung around me from the left, David's from the right, talk about awkward. I smile at the caption.

 _'Family Dinner with my favorite people.'_

My heart swells and I press the heart button. All of a sudden there is another notification and another one.

 _\- Jay Halstead left a comment on a photo you are tagged in: "Fun times! Let's have another one soon!" -_

 _\- Jay Halstead started following you. -_

I immediately click on his account and smile at his bio.

' _Don't take me seriously unless I'm sitting in front of you in an interrogation room or show you my badge before talking.'_

There aren't a lot of pictures. The last one he uploaded was a selfie with his brother Will. They went fishing together. I press the heart button and follow him back.

About 5 minutes later my phone vibrates next to me, it's a text from Jay.

 _'I thought you hated fishing? Lol'_

I smile at my phone. He's right, I hated when he went fishing. He left in the middle of the night to just sit on a boat and kill fish that he'd later eat with his brother. He'd come back dirty, smelly and tired. My fingers hovering over the screen, thinking about what to reply.

 _'That is true. But I liked it for the people in the picture and for what you were doing.'_

 _'Okay, then thank you ;)'_

 _'Of course :) have a good night Jay.'_

 _'Goodnight Erin.'_

I smile. I'm glad we're friends again and I hope it stays that way. When I look up, I see the credits rolling over the screen.

I gently drive my hand through David's hair and he slowly wakes up.

"Let's go to sleep babe. It's time."

 **Hey! So I'm not too sure about the ending but I figured a cliffhanger isn't always needed lol. I loved your reviews for the last chapter! Please keep them coming :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well and will leave a review. I'll try to update ASAP! Love yous ***


	10. Chapter 10

**_JAY POV._**

Once again I have to smile thinking about Erin and the texts we've traded earlier tonight. After she assured me that she still cares about me and wants to be friends. And once again I get interrupted, this time she's calling instead of sending five texts in a row. I sigh loudly, obviously annoyed, which causes Will and Nina to look at me.

Will told me to crash at his place, since it's close to the Ruzek's and I was actually glad to have some company after today, especially from people that know about my past with Erin. Will and Nina have been married for a little longer than a year now and I've never seen my brother this happy. And I'm glad he gave Nina our moms ring, Nina is an incredible woman. It was hard for me to give it back to Will, because it was the last piece that resembled hope for me and Erin. But she deserves it, they both do.

"Melissa?" Will pulls me out of my thoughts.

"uh, yeah." I breathe out and keep staring at the screen. That is, until Will snatches my phone out of my hands. "Hey!"

"What don't pretend like you were about to take it," he mutters. "so, give me a reason not to take it for you," he smirks.

"Will, I swear if-"

"What? Give me a reason, Jay. One reason why you shouldn't talk to this wonderful girl anymore and I won't pick up the phone." he teases, little does he know that I'm about to punch in his face if he doesn't stop. "I'm waiting, tell-"

"Erin!" I scream out, unable to hold it in for another second. "It's Erin! Is that reason enough for you?!" Will smile drops; he didn't know. I didn't tell them him we saw each other again after the anniversary because I knew that Will would've stopped me when I went to bring her her card.

Nina looks at me, partly shocked and partly empathic. She's been in my shoes, with the difference that my brother and she found their way back to each other and got married, with the ring that I planned to give to the person I love the most in this world.

I'm still breathing heavy, looking down at my hands when I feel Wills soft touch on my shoulder.

"Geez, Jay I had no idea, I'm sorry." he almost whispers, and I can hear in his voice how sorry he is.

"... All good, how were you supposed to know when I don't tell you anything?" I say honest and look up at him. He gives me a sad smile.

"What happened?" he asks and I see Nina getting up to give us some privacy. I appreciate it, I really do.

"Life I guess?" I tell him, "She was at Kim's for dinner today. She's getting married." I shrug, eyes on my hands again.

"Wow, I'm really sorry Jay." he says and pats my back, "That sucks, but what actually happened with you and Melissa? I mean she's a great girl, isn't she?"  
I scoff at that and he frowns, "she's fucking annoying Will, she has this weird personality where I can't even go ten minutes without her stalking my ass, asking who I'm with and what I'm doing, she's crazy, dude." I put my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes because I can't believe that I went out with her more than once.

"I heard crazy chicks are the best ones?" he laughs, his face turning red out of laughter. I have to laugh, too. My brother knows how to crack me up.

"Well they actually are, but she's not _Erin_ crazy. And I don't want anything else." I shrug. He has that look on his face, he gets it. He knows exactly what I mean. I guess that's something the Halstead brothers have in common. We drive people we care about away. And then we regret it.

* * *

 **Erin's POV: 4 Weeks later.**

"See you later!" I yell into the breakroom at the shelter when Emily catches up and starts walking next to me, telling me she has to get something out of her car.

Of course, I know that's not true. She just knows who's waiting outside for me for lunch. Jay and I have been spending more time together lately and it felt good. We're cracking jokes, having lunch and doing stuff that friends do together. It's been about a month since we had that one moment at Kim's dinner party. He's been picking me up from work a few times and Emily noticed that. The thing is, she has no idea who he is.

I never told anyone except David. So to Emily he's just this incredibly handsome old co-worker of mine. And she uses every opportunity she gets to see or talk about him. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't bother me, but there isn't really anything that I can do about it. I have no right to claim Jay, not anymore. So I smiled and tried to ignore how obviously she flirted with him every time since they 'coincidentally' met. I could see that it confused Jay, he didn't know how to react. He doesn't know what and how much Emily knows about us but I could sense that it makes him uncomfortable to have a woman flirt with him in front of me. It always has.

* * *

 _"what's the problem, Nick?" The suspect sends Jay obvious signals. "I thought you want the whole package with your girl here? A. Real. Kick?" He smirks staying in his role. But his body tenses a little and I hope she won't notice. She leans over and licks his bottom lip. And I'm trying my best to look relaxed, even though I'd love to kick her off of him right this second. But we are undercover which means that I have to keep my cool._

 _I see him swallow hard and know immediately how uncomfortable he is. But we have to play along until we find out where the drugs are, the ones that are killing hundreds of kids._

 _"You have to get more information out of her, ask more questions, Lindsay. And please do me a favor and save your boyfriend's ass there would you?" Hank's grumpy and impatient voice rings through our earplugs. Gladly, I think to myself because she is about to come dangerously close to my man._

 _"My turn." I wink at her and climb onto Jay's lap, grab his face and crash my lips on his. We don't even have to try to look convincing. She buys it._

 _"Now, where is the shit, so we can finally get this party started?"_

* * *

"So? What do you need so desperately out of your car this time?" I ask Emily maybe a little bit too sarcastic and get a little nudge into my ribs for that.

"Stop teasing me, Erin. You know why. Gosh, he's so attractive! Who knew cops can be _this_ sexy? I'd totally let him handcuff me."

"Okay, Emily." I scoffed, trying to play my annoyance down.

"What? Don't you think he's attractive? Come on, Erin, you can't tell me that you've been working with this guy all this time and never thought about going there." She smirks at me with raised eyebrows and I'm having a hard time lying to her. But I know that if she knew, I'd have to tell her everything and I'm not ready for that. So I just shake my head with a fake grin.

Jay is already here, leaning against his car as we make our way out of the front door.

"Damn," she whispers. "He looks like a fucking calendar model."

I say nothing and decide to ignore her comment, while we make our way over to Jay. He immediately pulls me into a tight hug. It's no longer one of those awkward hugs. When we pull away, I notice that Emily is staring at us with a bright smile on her face and I know what she wants.

"Uhm Jay, you remember Emily?"

"Of course. We've met a few times already." He reaches his hand out for her to shake it. And she moves forward to do so.

"Yes, we did!" she smiles at him and gives him that innocent girl look. I know that look, it's her go-to look when she wants to wrap someone around her little finger. "I think it's great to meet Erin's former partner-in-crime. Four years, right? You must know her very well."

Jay raises his eyebrows and lets out a breath before, trying to figure out what to say, I guess. "Well, Erin and I-" I interrupt him with a loud cough, obviously fake but I hope she won't notice. Jay gets the hint though, he knows me too well. He asks me if I'm ok before he rephrases his answer. I just nod and he continues.

"Where was I? Uhm...oh, yeah so Erin and I have been partners for 4 years but I wouldn't necessarily say we were partners-in-crime since we've been the ones fighting it together." He chuckles and we both smile at each other. It's one of those moments where I'm not able to drag my eyes away from his. Just looking at him tells me that we're both lost in memories from when we used to be partners, doesn't matter if as friends or as a couple because no matter what happened at home, we've always put work first.

"Oh yes, my bad." Emily laughs and we snap back to reality. "well, I bet there are a lot of stories to tell. We should all hang out sometime, with David obviously, those inseparable lovebirds."

I feel my face heat up and Jay immediately loses his smile.

"Sounds great!" he suddenly responds. I look at him surprised and just nod, unable to find words. "well I'm starving so, see you soon, Emily." he continues and makes his way over to the driver's seat. He gently touches her shoulder and I can see her trying to hide the biggest smile.

"Cool! See you then. Later, Erin." She winks at me and makes her way back to the shelter.

"Later." I simply reply with a little smile.

* * *

After Jay and I got into the car, he starts the engine and begins driving in the direction of our milkshake spot. He is focused on the road. When I look at him I notice that his hair looks a little different than usual, he styled it differently or was running late this morning. They are curly and brushed to the side instead of slightly up. There's a little smirk on his face and I can't help but wonder what it's about.

"What are you smiling about Halstead?" I ask, too curious not to. He smiles even wider and shrugs, and I frown confused. "Tell me!" I command and he turns to face me. The sun makes his freckles pop. He looks like a teenager with that curly hair, freckles and a wide boyish grin on his face. It's cute. But I probably shouldn't think that.

"Just thinking, that's all."

"Meaning?" I ask him to continue.

"About earlier."

"Meaning?" I repeat. I'm getting impatient with him but that is what he wants. He loves to tease, especially when it comes to me. It's funny because I know what he is doing and that he's doing it on purpose but it works anyways. Every. Damn. Time.

"You didn't tell her about us did you?" his gaze is on the road again and I turn to look out of the window. I didn't expect that question but it's also my own fault. _Dumbass_.

"What? Who?" now I'm the one playing dumb trying to avoid the unavoidable.

"You know who I'm talking about, Erin. Emily. She doesn't know about our past does she?"

"Uh...nope." I pop the P. "I didn't tell her. You think she'd be all over you if she knew?" I turn to face him again and his eyebrows shoot up out of surprise.

"Woah, that's not true. She's just being nice." he shrugs. What a boy, he really doesn't get it.

"Mhm,"

"Okay, so what makes you think that?" He looks at me again, going back and forth between me and the road.

"Dude, she basically asked us to go on a double date with her and David, what else do you need?" he frowns and then realizes. His mouth drops open and I can see that he doesn't know what to say. Jay eventually found his voice again.

"And I said yes. Oh shit, I'm sorry Erin, I didn't know that wasn't my inten-" He stutters.

"Jay" I interrupt him. "so what? You can do whatever you want. I'm not going to hold anything against you. I have a fiancee for god's sake. You don't owe me anything, just do what makes you happy because I really, really want that for you." I'm feeling sick saying this, telling him to get with another woman but I can't sit here like a hypocrite and tell him he shouldn't go out with other people when I am in a serious relationship with someone else.

He gives me a simple smile and focuses back on the road. We're almost at the diner but I'm not sure if I'll still be able to eat.

* * *

Lunch was good, we didn't talk about Emily anymore after we got out of the car. It was awkward for a few minutes but we were back to our friendly banter again shortly after. Jay and I got our fries and our milkshakes just like we always do. Of course, there was that look again, as soon as I dipped my fries into my shake but I never cared about that. He knows me and he knows that I don't pretend to be something that I'm not. So, when I want to eat like a fucking pre-schooler, I will. We talked about random things. His work, my work, Kim, and Adam. I told him that I'm planning to throw a dinner party for the unit on Hanks birthday and he seemed to like the idea. He wasn't really sure about my plan to do it at Hanks house though. I got everything he once owned after he died. It wasn't the best for me, but I'd rather suffer, keeping it and all the memories than giving it away. Although I never had the strength to go back into that house, except this one time, 2 weeks after his death.

* * *

 _Two weeks. It's been two weeks without Hank and at this point, I don't really know if I'll ever smile again. I've ignored everyone ever since, including David. He tried to help me, tried to take care of everything I could need. However, it never seems to be enough. I'm pouring myself another glass of bourbon, it's all he had in this house, which seemed to be filled with a lot of stuff but it never seemed to be this empty. I'm drunk and I don't even give a damn, in fact, I probably haven't been sober today, to begin with. I'm in their room, rolled up like an embryo on their bed. I only move to actually get more alcohol inside of me._

 _Suddenly I feel a touch on my shoulder which causes me to jump because it scared me that bad._

 _"Holy shit! What the fu-" I abruptly stop talking when I see the person who's hand just touched me a few seconds ago. "What the hell are you doing here?"_

 _Jay gives me a sad smile and shrugs, "Figured you might need some company."  
_

 _"And what makes you think I'd want your company?" I'm mean, I know that but I'm also drunk and really don't care right now._

 _"I don't know," he shrugs again, "I thought me is better than nobody? And I know you have other people but they're probably dumb enough to leave you alone just because you told them to. No offense or anything. Plus I think even if they're looking for you, they are not thinking about looking here."_

 _"So you're saying you're the only one who knows one plus one equals two? It doesn't take a scientist to figure out that I'm here." I scoff._

 _"And yet here we are just you and me? Or is everyone else hiding in Hanks closet?" He's getting on my nerves, who the fuck does he think he is? Showing up here pretending like nothing happened and he out of all people is my knight in shining armor._

 _"No, other people just know when they should fucking listen and leave me the fuck alone when I ask them to."_

 _"I'm not everyone."_

 _"You're no one."_

 _"Wow."_

 _"Wow?"_

 _"Erin, you can be mean to me I don't care. I know that your grief and anger and mostly alcohol is talking to me right now. But the fact that you're talking like this tells me everyone else was fucking dumb to leave you on your own like this." He moves to sit down next to me and I immediately scoot back. He might be right but he can't come here and think after everything that happened I'd fall around his neck and be happy to see him just because the person closest to me died._

 _"True, it's stupid to think I can take care of myself, is that what you mean? How in the world would I be able to just grieve without hitting clubs and doing drugs, right? I know better Jay, I'm not the person I used to be. You don't know anything about what my life was like the past few years, so don't come here now and pretend like you know me better than anyone else. You know nothing. Not anymore." He stares at me, at a loss for words. What I said was harsh, but the truth. He left me. He used me and then left me in the middle of the night. Using me as a one night stand after he told me that I'm enough for him. He broke me and everything we had that night by leaving and never coming back, until now._

 _He moves over the bed without a word so I'm guessing I won and he's finally going to leave. But at that moment I feel his weight right behind me on the bed., his hand on my head, fingers running through my hair. He leans over, hovering over my ear._

 _"I'm sorry, Erin." He whispers and I can feel his warm breath on my ear. His sad voice sends shivers through my body and I can't hold back the tears that are rolling down my face. He gently kisses the side of my head and after a few seconds the weight on the bed, his weight, is gone. He left._

 **A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you liked this chapter, thank you so much for reading and reviewing it means so much to me :)**


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